August Avoidance

When I set a goal to blog daily in August, I honestly didn’t think I’d struggle to fit in a post on my second day. I’m not even sure why that was my goal; I guess it’s an avoidance tactic in a way. I haven’t written regularly for so long, except for journal entries, that I’m not sure I remember how to craft an essay or plot a long short story or even set a scene in a small vignette.

I told Ryan recently I’m worried I don’t know how to write anymore. I feel stuck in many ways, unsure how to write about the past year with my mom without sharing parts of the story that aren’t mine to share. With that lingering in my mind, it’s hard to imagine writing fiction either. I don’t know that I remember how to slide into someone else’s story, particularly when I’m still wobbly and uncertain in my own.

I’d like to think blogging might shake off some of the rust, unearth some of the rhythms I used to fall into so easily when I sat at the keyboard. (That sounds like writing always came easily. It definitely did not, but I could always find it again. Now it feels out of reach.) Maybe I should have been more definitive with the goal, a word goal for each day or fiction Fridays or something specific on other days of the week. Today, I was glad I didn’t do that. I might have skipped it entirely, bagged out on day two and been angry when I woke up on day three with an already-broken streak.

Next week, Dylan and I will be out of town for a few days. I don’t know what I’ll do then. Pre-write a post or two? Blog from my phone, a practice with which I’ve never had all that much luck? I haven’t decided, but I’m doing my best to take one day at a time. Even if these short little sessions are a way to avoid drafting “real” work, they’re more than I’ve been writing in the past year, really, and that has to count for something.