I hate admitting this, but each January I make calculations about how much weight I could lose by the time we go on spring break. Keep in mind, these calculations come at the end of a holiday season filled with things that hurt my stomach and make me feel sub-par: charcuterie boards and extra desserts, wine and dinner crafted from appetizers. I look forward to the shift toward healthier eating.
Then Dylan’s birthday equals a treat and Abbey’s birthday, and then something else comes up. Suddenly I have three days to lose twenty pounds, which is obviously hyperbole, because it can’t happen. And I shouldn’t even be thinking about it at this point, because it’s obvious my body is going to be my body when we get in the car to meander south to Orange Beach with a group of friends that make me laugh and have good book recommendations and don’t care if you haven’t been able to see my abs since sometime in the 90s.
But today, as I mentally prepared my packing list, I panicked a little. What fits? What doesn’t? What’s a little too tight and should stay at home, because it will definitely feel uncomfortable by the week’s end, when we’ve had happy hours and ice cream trips and all sorts of interruptions to normal eating that even the strongest probiotics can’t battle. I walked aimlessly around Target (everything is meant for people whose abs are ready for their vitamin D) and went to a second store to see if there was anything I could buy with a coupon I received in the mail.
Why do I worry about it so much? Why do I feel so self-conscious when I literally couldn’t care less about my friends’ bodies? It takes up too much of my time and brain space, that’s for sure.
I didn’t buy anything to wear, but I did go to the library and got three books (two I haven’t read, one I have) and loaded my Kindle with more. I tried to be grateful for driving, even though road trips are exhausting, because that means I can pack options, both to wear and to read, without worrying about baggage allowances.
I can write all these words, like I’ve come to terms with it all, but I know I haven’t. One day, with enough effort, I hope I do.
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